Alphasunking

    I wrote “Hard Shell” in 2013, not knowing how good I would be in 2014. I found a job at Fiesta, doing the worst possible job for me. Working as a cashier. It’s still funny to me how ironically stupid that job was for me. I was expected to work with people, talk to people and stand in one spot for hours. I could not believe it, I still can’t. I remember my first day just walking outside on my break and pacing back and forth trying to clear my mind, trying not to think about what I was doing. I remember sacking and having a little panic attack just noticing all the people around me.

    It was horrible at the start. I couldn’t wait to finish my shift. I was so overwhelmed by the people, customers and coworkers. Little by little I started to talk. Just little by little and I liked it. It was great, it’s not like I was good at it. It was just new. Little by little I started to feel more comfortable with the people around me. The customers where a different story but my coworkers where nice and I got lucky that I got to work with the people I did. To them it was just a job, to me it was so much more.

    So far the best year of my life has been 2014. It’s like I finally started to live again. It wasn’t all good, I’m not good at communication so that did come back and bite me more than a few times. It’s just that the good outweighed the bad. I did so much in that year I learned so much, my friends that I had known for years saw a change in me. I finally started to open up, I felt free. Even my anxiety just disappeared after a while.

    Yet it wasn’t enough, I have cracked my shell not broken it and because of that I did fail. I want to keep going now. I might not have broken it but I’m better now than I use to be. I lost my workers permit this year and when I did I was so afraid. So many bad thing when thought my mind. Putting aside the money that I needed and losing my freedom. I was just so afraid to lose all that I had gained last year and I have lost some. I’m stuck at home more, not able to feed myself, losing my strength, losing weight  just trying to stay calm to not panic but my anger is slowly growing starting to eat at me.

    This is humiliating, but I’m not going to forget what I learned. I’m not going to lose myself again. I have memories, I can fall back on them. I will get my permit back but the thought of 3 months of this makes me sick but I have memories. Memories of the people I met and thing I did. What I felt and how I changed. I was so happy when I read “Hard Shell” because I saw all the progress I had made. Now I hope I pray that in a little while I can read this and be happy because of that again.   

Its so weird to be able to talk to people but not be able to open up if not asked. It took me a while but I can talk to people now. The only thing is that I found out socializing takes more than that.

In a group I pretty much keep to myself. Its so hard to open my mouth. I want to talk but its like I never find an opening and thats a lie. There are many openings but I either wait too long to talk or talk myself out of answering. The drive to speak up is not in me at all, from a 1 to 10 its a 1. Not even online will I feel like doing it.

I know they're people out there that live like that but I don't wanna be one of them. Every time I feel like I could have spoken up and don't, I regret it. I don't want to keep regretting it for the rest of my life.

I wanna change the way people look at me too. When I don't make an effort to socialize they always get the impression I just don't care to get to know anyone so they just leave me alone.

I found out online, thanks to a Fairy, that I like getting to know people. Its pretty cool learning about different stories/lives but I don't wanna just do that online. I wanna be able to go out and do it. I hate the fact that mostly to socializing I go online(and even then not that much). I might just stop, to force myself to do it outside but I don't see that helping much, just shutting me out more.

I'm looking for the wrong places to socialise. Online is great to talk to friends and play together like omgpop lol but I have to grow up. I have to man up already my family needs a man and I haven't stepped up in a long time. Socializing will help me network like my mom had too when she was left by her self with us. I'm posting this in my journal so I can see it every time I need to open my mouth and don't feel like it.

I'm only writing this to use as a reference.

I remember I was young when I assumed there was a God. My parents had nothing to do with it, I was actually rebelling at that time lol. Life just din't make sense to me, here on Earth we have the food chain that showed me everything had a purpose or a place in life. When I thought about the universe I saw the same to a leaser extent. It was just so off to me, to spark life for no reason other than to live.

The God that I came to reason is there was not my christian God. This God was the head, the alpha & omega the constant & forever a cold God that din't care for its creation just made it to be. I will not go down the path of trying to figure out this God again. Its just pointless, to me this God created everything and was everything how was a kid now 22 year old suppose to figure out something that generation of people haven't since they could ask what is God. I thought about some stuff like maybe we were created to create him? or we were just thing to keep life worth living because maybe it was extremely boring to live as one and so what did we mean to him? what part of God are we from? ......etc.

I'm done with that, I have a life to live I'm not going to kill myself trying to figure out what this God is. So basically I just assume there's a God cause life having no purpose just never EVER sat well with me.

The belief in a God is what lead me to Christianity. I wanted the God they talk about in the bible to be that God that was in my head. I was 14 (I think) when I figured there as a God then at 19 I chose that God to be the one I read in the bible. I liked that God. I could have chosen any religion really judaism, Islam or catholicism there all in the same family same God just different way to worship him. I chose Christianity because it was my favorite way to worship him (through Jesus).

I'm ok with the fact that I believed in a God long before I was a Christian. Christianity is my faith. God is something I just believe there is and Christianity is what I leave my FAITH in, that the God they speak of is the God I have assumed is here. I like my religion, its already helped me out a LOT in my life so anyone that has a problem with me being a christian doesn't really affect me.

Everybody has a right to there own opinion so I don't fight anybody that says I'm wrong but when they act like they know without a doubt that there is no God, or its this God, or that they have life figured out I just don't even listen. I will admit I am just assuming there is a God and have faith in my religion because I'm human i've only lived on this Earth 22 years how am I suppose to have existence figured out? I leave the same reasoning to people that have different opinions I listen but I will never except something as a completed fact (when it comes to this) were all humans and just playing a guessing game on what the reasoning for life is.

I don't know how it is for everybody out there that doesn't speak up and just stays quiet. I wont try to pretend I do but I'm at least going to tell my story as a word of warning to anybody that might need it because for me its just been a pain.

I remember when it happened the moment I chose to just be quiet. It was in the 4th grade up until then I was pretty normal lol I mean I dint care to hide anything I was just myself, was THE funniest kid in class, well maybe not but I thought I was. Had a nice group of friends the teacher liked me did good in class had a crush... etc. I wish that's how it would have staid but it dint my home life broke that. My parent were fighting a lot at that time and they were so busy with each other and working that I just felt neglected. One day I just went to school completely numb I dint care to talk or do anything just sulk in my own misery. Well that was so off all my friends were asking me how I was or if something was wrong. It felt good, I don't even know why that was I was so talkative so I was use to attention but I guess it was there concern for me that I liked so much. From that moment on I just staid that way hoping I would feel that more. That was such a bad mistake, before I knew it I wasn't me anymore I was this quiet kid that dint feel the need to talk. The grade passed but I staid quiet I forgot how to be me and just staid this new kid for the rest of my school life.

This new kid dint care to make friends, ask anything or ask for help on the outside but on the inside it was just the opposite. When I entered high school not much had changed but I was lucky to find some friends that could look passed that shell. I was still the quiet kid and would stay that way until someone would try to make the effort to get to know me. I don't really care that much about high school, just looking back on it I wish I had made an effort to socialize because from being quiet I lost most on my social skills witch in return isolated me even more. Well the thing that really hurt was when I met a girl in the 10th grade that I REALLY liked and she actually liked me back (guess she was into shy guys lol). I really liked her but at the time I really dint know why exactly I did so much. I figured it out only after I left school. She was what I use to be, she was funny, friendly and nice she dint care about what other people thought of her she was just being her self and I just fell for that so hard. She gave me so many chances to talk to her but I took non. I wanted to talk to her but my mouth just wouldn't do it. I WANTED to force my self to just talk to her but I never did, I liked this girl so much but because of this stupid choice I honestly don't think I even said one word to her.

Now I'm a 22 year old guy in college. I have learned to talk to people again and do ok at socializing but I wont lie it still hard sometimes. As much improvement I have done some times I just CANT speak up and I really need to right now. Anxiety is something I have learn to live with but never tried to beat. That all changed when it took everything that made me happy with just ONE panic attack my college, gym, hell even just going out. I dropped out of college for a year, stopped going to the gym and just staid in my bed for weeks. And what did I do when this all happened? I just kept it to my self. The only people that knew or know are does who I just couldn't keep from finding out. I suffered and was in pain but I just kept it all in. I wish I could draw how I felt, I know how it looked like in my head but I'm just not good enough to draw it. The best way to describe it is being on my knees, weighed down by the chains arms stretched out just completely being wrapped in chains from head to toe with a spear in the heart in just blackness.  

I decided to fight this monster that has plagued me after that but only after I said I'm not going at this alone. I asked for help from God because if I couldn't explain to people how much this hurt he already knew and has a plan to beat it. I honestly believe he put me on this earth to beat this thing and the only way in going to help others beat this is by leading by example so that's what my mission in life has become now.

So that's were I am right now. I wish I had victory speech but I'm not there yet. I'm back in college, I've broken this hard shell a little more, I'm going out more but that fear is still within me. I don't plan on letting it take anything more from me tho this is the first time in my life I'm going head on at it and I'm going to do it speaking up about this thing. I know there's more like me out there I've read it in forms, people so much worse of than me and every time I do I hate it because I know at least some of whats going on in there heads the lies, put down and negative things that just tear you down inside. I wanna speak up for them and me, to ask for help when I need it and to help as many people as I can form this.

There is just no way to do this with out opening you mouth its just has so much more weight on it than written words because you can see were the word are coming from, the source. Its ok to be a good listener but when you have to when you need anything please just don't stay quiet SPEAK UP for your sake, everybody has a right to be heard.

Well I have my positives and negatives like everybody else. My positives would be that I am honest and direct If I have something to say ill say it. Doesn't mean I don't lie lol but not in the big stuff. I try to look at the positive in a bad situation but this really only applies to other peoples situation I am still working on doing that for me too. My negatives are mostly tied to something I have been fighting my whole life.

Anxiety, a monster I truly hate the only thing on this earth I think I do hate. I am barely recovering from what anxiety has done to my life the self doubt, conceded, stressed out and sickness that it has brought to my life I am kicking out piece by piece. With the help of God and my friends and family I have been beating it. I pray one day I can say I have fully beaten it not just for me but to help out all of the people who have been hurt by this monster.

I am good at drawing but i don't do it much for fun. I struggle to make my self draw. The only time I finish or have the drive to draw is when I have competition or someone is telling me to draw something. The only form of art that I really enjoyed was working with clay, it just came so natural to me so much easier than trying to draw what's in my head.

I am really prideful of my city, family, heritage, etc. I was born in Lima, Peru but raised in Houston, TX so its my adopted home town. I cheer for every team that represents Houston because it does not market itself well so just to get its name out there more is great. The weather does suck in the summer but after that its actually not bad and the people here more than make up for the weather. My family is small just me my brother and mom all the rest are either in Lima or New York nobody else but us live in Texas. I do have a half sister here that I hope I meet one day again we meet when she was two or one but never again because I never found out her name and lost connection with my father. I am Amerindian as far as I know I'm pure Latino so I assume I am a descendant of the Inca.

I am a christian I was never really into it till I started to fight my anxiety and needed the strength. The only and best thing to come out of me having it. I am trying to become a better christian to not be a person who just calls himself that and knows nothing that the bible says or teaches. I do respect both other religious views and non religious views because I like to be open minded.

I'm not that easy to worm up to, not because I don't want to but just because I don't really loosen up around people I don't know. I really wanna change that. In the past I never connected with anyone stayed really quiet avoided eye contact always looked down just had bad social skills but know I can make eye contact and always walk straight up because I know I shouldn't block myself from everybody else. The loosening up around people I don't know is just the last step I really have to work on and plan on beating it to.

The things I like the most are skylines (just pops out from the earth as something truly man made) , anime (I watch mostly for the graphics but a good story is a +), trees (water oak and loblolly pine), sports (mostly because I root for Houston teams), college (like my college), art (all forms), the gym (working out in a gym just feel better than at home), and world cities(I wanna visit as many as I can) .

Well that's all I can really think of right now.