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I don't know how it is for everybody out there that doesn't speak up and just stays quiet. I wont try to pretend I do but I'm at least going to tell my story as a word of warning to anybody that might need it because for me its just been a pain.
I remember when it happened the moment I chose to just be quiet. It was in the 4th grade up until then I was pretty normal lol I mean I dint care to hide anything I was just myself, was THE funniest kid in class, well maybe not but I thought I was. Had a nice group of friends the teacher liked me did good in class had a crush... etc. I wish that's how it would have staid but it dint my home life broke that. My parent were fighting a lot at that time and they were so busy with each other and working that I just felt neglected. One day I just went to school completely numb I dint care to talk or do anything just sulk in my own misery. Well that was so off all my friends were asking me how I was or if something was wrong. It felt good, I don't even know why that was I was so talkative so I was use to attention but I guess it was there concern for me that I liked so much. From that moment on I just staid that way hoping I would feel that more. That was such a bad mistake, before I knew it I wasn't me anymore I was this quiet kid that dint feel the need to talk. The grade passed but I staid quiet I forgot how to be me and just staid this new kid for the rest of my school life.
This new kid dint care to make friends, ask anything or ask for help on the outside but on the inside it was just the opposite. When I entered high school not much had changed but I was lucky to find some friends that could look passed that shell. I was still the quiet kid and would stay that way until someone would try to make the effort to get to know me. I don't really care that much about high school, just looking back on it I wish I had made an effort to socialize because from being quiet I lost most on my social skills witch in return isolated me even more. Well the thing that really hurt was when I met a girl in the 10th grade that I REALLY liked and she actually liked me back (guess she was into shy guys lol). I really liked her but at the time I really dint know why exactly I did so much. I figured it out only after I left school. She was what I use to be, she was funny, friendly and nice she dint care about what other people thought of her she was just being her self and I just fell for that so hard. She gave me so many chances to talk to her but I took non. I wanted to talk to her but my mouth just wouldn't do it. I WANTED to force my self to just talk to her but I never did, I liked this girl so much but because of this stupid choice I honestly don't think I even said one word to her.
Now I'm a 22 year old guy in college. I have learned to talk to people again and do ok at socializing but I wont lie it still hard sometimes. As much improvement I have done some times I just CANT speak up and I really need to right now. Anxiety is something I have learn to live with but never tried to beat. That all changed when it took everything that made me happy with just ONE panic attack my college, gym, hell even just going out. I dropped out of college for a year, stopped going to the gym and just staid in my bed for weeks. And what did I do when this all happened? I just kept it to my self. The only people that knew or know are does who I just couldn't keep from finding out. I suffered and was in pain but I just kept it all in. I wish I could draw how I felt, I know how it looked like in my head but I'm just not good enough to draw it. The best way to describe it is being on my knees, weighed down by the chains arms stretched out just completely being wrapped in chains from head to toe with a spear in the heart in just blackness.
I decided to fight this monster that has plagued me after that but only after I said I'm not going at this alone. I asked for help from God because if I couldn't explain to people how much this hurt he already knew and has a plan to beat it. I honestly believe he put me on this earth to beat this thing and the only way in going to help others beat this is by leading by example so that's what my mission in life has become now.
So that's were I am right now. I wish I had victory speech but I'm not there yet. I'm back in college, I've broken this hard shell a little more, I'm going out more but that fear is still within me. I don't plan on letting it take anything more from me tho this is the first time in my life I'm going head on at it and I'm going to do it speaking up about this thing. I know there's more like me out there I've read it in forms, people so much worse of than me and every time I do I hate it because I know at least some of whats going on in there heads the lies, put down and negative things that just tear you down inside. I wanna speak up for them and me, to ask for help when I need it and to help as many people as I can form this.
There is just no way to do this with out opening you mouth its just has so much more weight on it than written words because you can see were the word are coming from, the source. Its ok to be a good listener but when you have to when you need anything please just don't stay quiet SPEAK UP for your sake, everybody has a right to be heard.
I remember when it happened the moment I chose to just be quiet. It was in the 4th grade up until then I was pretty normal lol I mean I dint care to hide anything I was just myself, was THE funniest kid in class, well maybe not but I thought I was. Had a nice group of friends the teacher liked me did good in class had a crush... etc. I wish that's how it would have staid but it dint my home life broke that. My parent were fighting a lot at that time and they were so busy with each other and working that I just felt neglected. One day I just went to school completely numb I dint care to talk or do anything just sulk in my own misery. Well that was so off all my friends were asking me how I was or if something was wrong. It felt good, I don't even know why that was I was so talkative so I was use to attention but I guess it was there concern for me that I liked so much. From that moment on I just staid that way hoping I would feel that more. That was such a bad mistake, before I knew it I wasn't me anymore I was this quiet kid that dint feel the need to talk. The grade passed but I staid quiet I forgot how to be me and just staid this new kid for the rest of my school life.
This new kid dint care to make friends, ask anything or ask for help on the outside but on the inside it was just the opposite. When I entered high school not much had changed but I was lucky to find some friends that could look passed that shell. I was still the quiet kid and would stay that way until someone would try to make the effort to get to know me. I don't really care that much about high school, just looking back on it I wish I had made an effort to socialize because from being quiet I lost most on my social skills witch in return isolated me even more. Well the thing that really hurt was when I met a girl in the 10th grade that I REALLY liked and she actually liked me back (guess she was into shy guys lol). I really liked her but at the time I really dint know why exactly I did so much. I figured it out only after I left school. She was what I use to be, she was funny, friendly and nice she dint care about what other people thought of her she was just being her self and I just fell for that so hard. She gave me so many chances to talk to her but I took non. I wanted to talk to her but my mouth just wouldn't do it. I WANTED to force my self to just talk to her but I never did, I liked this girl so much but because of this stupid choice I honestly don't think I even said one word to her.
Now I'm a 22 year old guy in college. I have learned to talk to people again and do ok at socializing but I wont lie it still hard sometimes. As much improvement I have done some times I just CANT speak up and I really need to right now. Anxiety is something I have learn to live with but never tried to beat. That all changed when it took everything that made me happy with just ONE panic attack my college, gym, hell even just going out. I dropped out of college for a year, stopped going to the gym and just staid in my bed for weeks. And what did I do when this all happened? I just kept it to my self. The only people that knew or know are does who I just couldn't keep from finding out. I suffered and was in pain but I just kept it all in. I wish I could draw how I felt, I know how it looked like in my head but I'm just not good enough to draw it. The best way to describe it is being on my knees, weighed down by the chains arms stretched out just completely being wrapped in chains from head to toe with a spear in the heart in just blackness.
I decided to fight this monster that has plagued me after that but only after I said I'm not going at this alone. I asked for help from God because if I couldn't explain to people how much this hurt he already knew and has a plan to beat it. I honestly believe he put me on this earth to beat this thing and the only way in going to help others beat this is by leading by example so that's what my mission in life has become now.
So that's were I am right now. I wish I had victory speech but I'm not there yet. I'm back in college, I've broken this hard shell a little more, I'm going out more but that fear is still within me. I don't plan on letting it take anything more from me tho this is the first time in my life I'm going head on at it and I'm going to do it speaking up about this thing. I know there's more like me out there I've read it in forms, people so much worse of than me and every time I do I hate it because I know at least some of whats going on in there heads the lies, put down and negative things that just tear you down inside. I wanna speak up for them and me, to ask for help when I need it and to help as many people as I can form this.
There is just no way to do this with out opening you mouth its just has so much more weight on it than written words because you can see were the word are coming from, the source. Its ok to be a good listener but when you have to when you need anything please just don't stay quiet SPEAK UP for your sake, everybody has a right to be heard.
Cracked Shell
I wrote “Hard Shell” in 2013, not knowing how good I would be in 2014. I found a job at Fiesta, doing the worst possible job for me. Working as a cashier. It’s still funny to me how ironically stupid that job was for me. I was expected to work with people, talk to people and stand in one spot for hours. I could not believe it, I still can’t. I remember my first day just walking outside on my break and pacing back and forth trying to clear my mind, trying not to think about what I was doing. I remember sacking and having a little panic attack just noticing all the people around me.
It was horrible at the start
Hard Shell
Its so weird to be able to talk to people but not be able to open up if not asked. It took me a while but I can talk to people now. The only thing is that I found out socializing takes more than that.
In a group I pretty much keep to myself. Its so hard to open my mouth. I want to talk but its like I never find an opening and thats a lie. There are many openings but I either wait too long to talk or talk myself out of answering. The drive to speak up is not in me at all, from a 1 to 10 its a 1. Not even online will I feel like doing it.
I know they're people out there that live like that but I don't wanna be one of them. Every time I feel l
My God
I'm only writing this to use as a reference.
I remember I was young when I assumed there was a God. My parents had nothing to do with it, I was actually rebelling at that time lol. Life just din't make sense to me, here on Earth we have the food chain that showed me everything had a purpose or a place in life. When I thought about the universe I saw the same to a leaser extent. It was just so off to me, to spark life for no reason other than to live.
The God that I came to reason is there was not my christian God. This God was the head, the alpha & omega the constant & forever a cold God that din't care for its creation just made it to be.
Who I am
Well I have my positives and negatives like everybody else. My positives would be that I am honest and direct If I have something to say ill say it. Doesn't mean I don't lie lol but not in the big stuff. I try to look at the positive in a bad situation but this really only applies to other peoples situation I am still working on doing that for me too. My negatives are mostly tied to something I have been fighting my whole life.
Anxiety, a monster I truly hate the only thing on this earth I think I do hate. I am barely recovering from what anxiety has done to my life the self doubt, conceded, stressed out and sickness that it has brought to
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