Hard Shell

Its so weird to be able to talk to people but not be able to open up if not asked. It took me a while but I can talk to people now. The only thing is that I found out socializing takes more than that.

In a group I pretty much keep to myself. Its so hard to open my mouth. I want to talk but its like I never find an opening and thats a lie. There are many openings but I either wait too long to talk or talk myself out of answering. The drive to speak up is not in me at all, from a 1 to 10 its a 1. Not even online will I feel like doing it.

I know they're people out there that live like that but I don't wanna be one of them. Every time I feel like I could have spoken up and don't, I regret it. I don't want to keep regretting it for the rest of my life.

I wanna change the way people look at me too. When I don't make an effort to socialize they always get the impression I just don't care to get to know anyone so they just leave me alone.

I found out online, thanks to a Fairy, that I like getting to know people. Its pretty cool learning about different stories/lives but I don't wanna just do that online. I wanna be able to go out and do it. I hate the fact that mostly to socializing I go online(and even then not that much). I might just stop, to force myself to do it outside but I don't see that helping much, just shutting me out more.

I'm looking for the wrong places to socialise. Online is great to talk to friends and play together like omgpop lol but I have to grow up. I have to man up already my family needs a man and I haven't stepped up in a long time. Socializing will help me network like my mom had too when she was left by her self with us. I'm posting this in my journal so I can see it every time I need to open my mouth and don't feel like it.