I wrote “Hard Shell” in 2013, not knowing how good I would be in 2014. I found a job at Fiesta, doing the worst possible job for me. Working as a cashier. It’s still funny to me how ironically stupid that job was for me. I was expected to work with people, talk to people and stand in one spot for hours. I could not believe it, I still can’t. I remember my first day just walking outside on my break and pacing back and forth trying to clear my mind, trying not to think about what I was doing. I remember sacking and having a little panic attack just noticing all the people around me.
It was horrible at the start. I couldn’t wait to finish my shift. I was so overwhelmed by the people, customers and coworkers. Little by little I started to talk. Just little by little and I liked it. It was great, it’s not like I was good at it. It was just new. Little by little I started to feel more comfortable with the people around me. The customers where a different story but my coworkers where nice and I got lucky that I got to work with the people I did. To them it was just a job, to me it was so much more.
So far the best year of my life has been 2014. It’s like I finally started to live again. It wasn’t all good, I’m not good at communication so that did come back and bite me more than a few times. It’s just that the good outweighed the bad. I did so much in that year I learned so much, my friends that I had known for years saw a change in me. I finally started to open up, I felt free. Even my anxiety just disappeared after a while.
Yet it wasn’t enough, I have cracked my shell not broken it and because of that I did fail. I want to keep going now. I might not have broken it but I’m better now than I use to be. I lost my workers permit this year and when I did I was so afraid. So many bad thing when thought my mind. Putting aside the money that I needed and losing my freedom. I was just so afraid to lose all that I had gained last year and I have lost some. I’m stuck at home more, not able to feed myself, losing my strength, losing weight just trying to stay calm to not panic but my anger is slowly growing starting to eat at me.
This is humiliating, but I’m not going to forget what I learned. I’m not going to lose myself again. I have memories, I can fall back on them. I will get my permit back but the thought of 3 months of this makes me sick but I have memories. Memories of the people I met and thing I did. What I felt and how I changed. I was so happy when I read “Hard Shell” because I saw all the progress I had made. Now I hope I pray that in a little while I can read this and be happy because of that again.